A letter

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write this. I didn't want to give the event weight; I didn't want it to be a significant part of me, define who I am. But I figure--it's only what I make of it. It is what it is. And it's over.

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

A year ago today I woke up in the morning feeling as though I'd been punched in the stomach. My body was having a physical reaction to the fact that we had just broken up the night before. I lost my appetite and couldn't sleep.

At the time I was preparing to go to New York for business and I was overwhelmed. Since I couldn't focus during the day, the week prior to my trip I was up 'til three in the morning each night. I felt as though I was in over my head, didn't know what I was doing--at work or in Los Angeles.

That lasted a week. It was one crappy week. That's all.

This past year is incredible to me in so many ways, and I do believe that I will hold this year sacred, forever. For many years, I had talked about all of the things I wanted to do with my life, all of the places I wanted to live and go to, where I wanted to travel and what I wanted my career to be. But I was scared, and largely because of you, I ended up in Los Angeles, finally took that leap. Thank you.

In the time since we broke up, I've been twice to Chicago and DC. I've been to Vegas, several times to San Diego, to Dallas, Philadelphia, San Francisco and, of course, back home to Phoenix often. I finally went to Croatia and crossed that one off my life list. I went wine tasting, my first time doing so without you. And now I'm preparing to go to NYC once again, just like I was doing this time last year. Only this time, I'm prepared. I know what I am doing and I am ready and confident and relaxed.

And it dawned on me, when I was driving home the other day, that Los Angeles is no longer strange to me. I know my way around. Even more, I'm a part of the community. I'm not simply a stranger in a big city. I remember driving home one night in Arizona, months and months before I moved to Los Angeles, and telling you that I was scared I was never going to find a loyal and loving group of friends in LA like the group I had in college. But I did. And now the weekend rolls around and my calendar is always full. And when I go out to the grocery store, or to a bar, or on a jog, I pass by people I know and I wave. I am a part of a neighborhood, of the city. I'm a part of a writer's community, volunteer community, professional community. My roots have taken place; when I feel like reaching out to someone, I have so many to reach out to. And for that I am grateful. Thank you.

I have done more things in Los Angeles in the way of appreciating the city and exploring its many corners than you have in your numerous years living here. I have "my hike," a trail that I love and know. I've gone to several museums and festivals and farmers markets and other events. We loved live music when we were together and I love it still and continue to discover new stages to look upon, new music to hear. I'm buying a ticket package to Pantages Theatre, going on an art walk downtown next month. I've been to the Griffith Observatory. All the things we talked about doing and never would have done, I have done and am doing. Thank you.

It felt strange to date after you, and I'll admit: I feel as though I owe the first guy I dated post-Us an apology. I was just too awkward and shy and scared and he probably didn't know what he was getting into. But now I've dated more guys than I care to name. Actually, I can't name them all because I simply can't remember them all. Only a few, I feel, have been worth my time longer than that first date, but I do know this: they have all treated me well, have been kind. There hasn't been anyone that has made me linger like you did, made me stop being so restless--but I do know that eventually there will be. And because of our years together and all the dates in the past year, I know what is worth stopping for, who is worth my time. Thank you.

A part of me wants to tell you: if you knew me now, you wouldn't know me. But of course you would know me! You always will. But I am a happier, more fulfilled, more curious and empowered Joanna. My life has rounded out in a beautiful way. I am more happy in Los Angeles than I could have ever predicted. Thank you.

I heard somewhere that the beginnings are always scary (and it was) and endings are always sad (and it was). And the middle part is always the best (and it was).

I hope you're happy and enjoying life as much as I am.

Cheers,
Jo